A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep,his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into The bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she 's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Cleverness and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a german shepard. They decide they'd like to go into a bar for a drink. "But we can't bring out dogs into that bar," says the poodle's human. "Hey, no problem," says the german shepard's owner. "Just watch this." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the german shepard's human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair. So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the poodle's human. The bartender objects, "Hey, poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!" The poodle owner gasps, "Poodle? They told me they were giving me a german shepard!"
A man owned a hobby kennel inTexas. The Texas Wage & Hour
Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my handler, who's been with me for 3 years, I
pay him $600 a week plus free room and board"
The kennel help has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a
day. He makes $10 per week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." replied the breeder.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me" replied the breeder.
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DOG SHOWS
ANGULATION-Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.
BALANCE-How to arrange the checkbook so your spouse won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.
BITCH-(A)Name for a lady dog. (B)Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.
COAT-The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.
DAM-(A)A lady dog with children. (B)Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.
ELBOW-Method of getting to ringside when late.
EXPRESSION-"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.
FANCIER-Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.
FEATHERING-What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.
FRONT-Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.
HEEL-(A)What you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice. (B)Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.
HEIGHT-As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 inch.
HOCK-A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.
KENNEL-Where you go when the kids fight and your spouse yells at you.
LITTER-Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.
MASK-What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.
MUZZLE-What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.
NOSEPRINTS-Cute marks left all over your French doors.
OUTCROSSING-What your spouse tells the minister that you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.
POINTS-Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.
PUPPIES-Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
The Doggy Dictionary
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your personwhere you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your owner comes home.
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Every good dog’s response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
All about dogs
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religion .
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I